"How to Create Relationship
Trust When You've Been Hurt"

By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

Creating relationship trust after you've been hurt can be a challenge,
whether it's learning to trust someone who's hurt you, a new partner,
or even learning to trust yourself.

There may be jealousy that needs to be addressed or perhaps there
have been infidelity issues in your relationship. Maybe your relationship
has come close to separation or divorce. Maybe you have never had these
problems but there's still a part of you that holds back from completely
opening  your heart to your loved one.

Maybe you aren't with anyone right now and because of your broken  heart,
you are having a tough time opening yourself to even start seeing anyone.

The best dating advice or marriage advice that we can give is to begin
looking at your relationships from new eyes and consider how you are
trusting or not trusting in them, even if it's a relationship with yourself. Then
decide to do something about enhancing trust.

We'll give you an example of this dynamic in action--
 

In the beginning of our relationship, Otto started writing about marketing
ideas.  Because Susie is a much better editor than he is, he would ask for
her help.  He always became very defensive when Susie edited what he

wrote and it would take some time to get past the "trust" issue of feeling
criticized unfairly.  He would take the criticism of the work personally
instead of understanding that she was just trying to make the project better.

Even though we have felt like we were soul mates from the beginning of
our relationship, there are issues from past relationships that creep in from
time to time--and this was one of them. 

A couple of years after writing his first marketing book, Otto wrote another
one and Susie edited that book also. But this time, we noticed a difference in
Otto's reaction to Susie's suggestions for how to make the book better.

When she made her suggestions, he still had an initial reaction but this time
didn't take the criticism personally.  He trusted and felt that Susie just wanted
to help him to make the book better.  When he felt that familiar feeling of not
trusting, he reminded himself that she was offering suggestions to help and not
hurt him.

When he listened to these new thoughts, he could change the way he felt about
the situation and stop his initial negative reactions.

What can you learn about trust from our story to help you trust more in your
relationship? Here are four ways to make your relationships better by creating
more trust between the two of you or even trusting yourself:

1. Heal the issues that are left over from past relationships. Some people believe
that when you enter into new relationships, you are starting fresh and you leave
all of that baggage from previous relationships behind you. While you always hope
that's the case, the truth is, you don't always heal everything from past relationships
when you move on.

If you are aware of your patterns in past relationships, you can learn to consciously
change how you react in similar situations with your current partner.

2. Change the self-talk that goes on in your head that creates "stories" about every
situation. These stories usually have no basis of reality and tend to simply create mistrust
and keep suspicion foremost in your mind. You can change what you say to yourself
and how you talk to yourself. It can either lead you to what you want or to what you
don't want.

3. Don't assume to know what your partner is thinking. If you don't know, ask. Find out
what's going on inside your partner if it's a concern to you and don't assign meaning to
what you see without getting the clarification that's necessary.

4. Speak your truth and allow your partner to speak his or hers without getting defensive.
This is probably one of the most important things you can do to foster trust in your relationship.
If you are certain that the two of you are free to express what you each are feeling without fear
of being judged, your relationship will become closer and more connected.

Most people want to place the responsibility for trust in a relationship on someone else. 
They base their trust on how someone acts towards them. 

Whether you are healing a broken heart or just need some relationship tips, it's important to
remember that safety and trust in a relationship doesn't start with someone else--It starts with
you and how willing you are to open up and allow the other in.